This is a topic I really want to dissect. Have you ever had the feeling of being trapped in your own mind? I don’t mean by being in an awkward situation or getting involved with drama and crap. I mean seriously feeling trapped and isolated from everyone. Unable to escape your own thoughts and feelings that continually hold yourself back from everything you want to accomplish in life. Fears of failure and fears of rejection conflict with each other on a daily basis (in my mind), and you can’t decided what your more fearful of.
It all leads into my own main fear…..the “unknown”. The fear of not knowing whats going to happen. The fear of not knowing what other people think of you. The fear and anxiety of not knowing if the girl/boy you love feels the same way about you. That feeling turns into something everyone experiences….loneliness, alienation, distrust, isolation, emptiness and solitude. The feeling of not having anyone. Trapped.
I feel like this, and for a long time it held me back from living my life and to this day, it still does. For me, it was more the fear of thinking what other people thought of me. That kept me standing still. It made me feel like such a failure, when it all started in the first place because I was afraid to BE a failure. And it was absolutely debilitating, and so frustrating. I hated that I was breaking my own heart, by ruining my own life. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just couldn’t. I felt cornered by all the feelings and fears running through my head. I was sick of the cycle, and just wanted to know what was wrong with me. Whatever it was, it controlled me. I was so afraid I was going to be like that for the rest of my life, and that wouldn’t BE a life, you know? This is kind of cliche, but I actually described it as me being locked in a large gray room, except I was the one trapping myself there. Or standing alone on a gloomy, dark and gray beach. So, naturally I’m the one that always has to rescue myself. I am the only one that can unlock the door, and set myself free. Wow, that really sounds bizarre. But, hopefully it’s getting my point across. I was holding myself prisoner. Because I’m not trying to accomplish what I want and what I need. But when I do, it backfires.
Don’t even act like this hasn’t happened to you. When you have feelings for someone special, it takes over you. When your in love, you feel so motivated to the max! You feel like you can do almost anything! It’s such a fantastic feeling! When you see that person, you probably feel very nervous, shy, jittery and have a shaking sensation in your hands. You probably want to say something so bad, but your lost for words. Come on! We have all experienced it!
It seems I always bring dancing back in my posts. But as I said before, I felt lonely a lot of the times at dance. I couldn’t help it. Being the only guy in a room filled with girls might sound awesome if your looking for trouble. A scary thing happened on my VERY last David Demarie Dance performance. As I said in my previous posts, I felt so trapped when it was all over. I can’t tell you how terrible it felt. I was going to Hershey Park for a mini vacation that same day. I didn’t enjoy any of it because I realized it was all over. The fact that I knew I wasn’t going to see 90% of everyone from dance ever again. The fact that the people I loved and cared about were gonna be gone. Well it did happen and nothing good as happened from that. I don’t wanna sound like a wuss or something. But why would I lie for having feelings? I can’t stand hiding how I feel. It’s pointless and meaningless.
I’m not that person who tends to go out and have a good time. Drinking beer, night clubs etc. That is just not me. I rather sit at home and watch something on TV or go to a movie, or laugh with a good friend or talk to somebody I love. When I’m alone, it’s my own time to reflect on myself and think about my life. Every single night before I sleep, I put on headphones, listen to music and just relaxing on my bed thinking. Usually in the middle of the night when everybody is asleep. I feel like myself and I tend to feel better when I’m alone (sometimes). I don’t know why, it’s just me. In the night, I feel safer. Like every man, it is like a man cave. To be who I am by myself.
There is a song that was written for the Phantom of the Opera movie called “Learn to be Lonely.” I see this more of a song of survival. The Phantom has clearly survived life shunned. He has been warped and perverted by the dark side of humanity; the Angel in Hell, fallen and broken. The Phantom embodies the hatred and intolerance of the society he grew up in, produced by the ridicule he experienced as a child. When he was set free, he was given time, years to nurse his tortured existence. Human, yet not so from being treated as a demon spawn. Wrapping himself in the gauze of destruction that they created for him, he forged himself an identity of independence. Alone and still a hurt child deep inside, he stands before the world putting on a brave face. He has to cut off his humanity, his desire to be human to survive in the face of a world that hates him. I really identify with this song and The Phantom’s experience as a warped creature created by society’s ugly side yet yearning deep inside to be human. To experience the same joys of love which are constantly being denied for the flesh that we are wrapped in, trapped.
If you have any similar situations like mine, please do not hesitate to message me! I would love to hear your own thoughts and opinions! I’ll keep it between you and me! I just want people to understand where I’m coming from and how I feel. Simple as that!
-Jordan A. Warner
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