Losing You
The teenage years are….well….i’m still going through them (kinda). Many adults or at least some adults go through a midlife crises. As for me, I feel like I am already experiencing it. Like my previous posts, I write about how I am completely rebellious against this kind of society where people judge you on everything. In order to fit in, you need to become a follower and do everything that everybody else is doing (being normal). Going to unwanted late night parties/strip clubs, getting high, smoking, drugs, sex, porn, abusive relationships, depression, suicide (WHEN DOES IT END!?!?!). You probably know those ignorant people who post crap on Facebook/Twitter saying how much they are going to get drunk tonight and posting a photo of what alcoholic beverage they are drinking so they can feel good about themselves. But in reality, they are unwanted people and just a waste of space. Because if you don’t party and vomit in a toilet, you are not normal (this is the sick and ignorant world that we live in). Being a teenager is really hard because your hormones are all over the place, you get mood swings so you snap at people for no reason, you might be angry or unhappy over little things, and people are always criticizing you about things and about yourself, and you have to try and get over everything that other people think, and you just feel kind of alone and confused.
Like I said before, my high school years mean’t nothing. I regret nothing! The only thing I do regret is not going to prom. No! Not my prom! I regret not going to someone else’s! Seriously, I feel no remorse or compassion towards my high school. Screw all the haters and wannabes! If you could’t throw a football or play a sport, you were nothing in that hellhole! My freshman and sophomore years were so depressing. Depressing because I quit dance over a year ago and I was being introduced to the darkness and demons of high school. I also began to have a lot of health-related issues. The mind is wondrous and very dangerous. Anxiety, panic attacks etc. It really sucks. Around my sophomore year, I began to get a lot of headaches and a bizarre sickness that made me so frickin paranoid because I thought I had some rare disease or something that lasted for several months. I went to the doctor’s and they told me that I “possibly” had acid-reflux disease. Basically if you eat foods that have acid ingredients in them, they can make an acid-like fluid in your stomach that can cause heartburn in your chest (it feels like it burns your heart). I felt so scared that I just fell to the floor started to develop many anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of other weird things happened that lets just say made myself really sick and depressed. To this day, I still kinda have it.
Depression affects a lot of teenagers. What I find really depressing is leaving everybody behind to start a new life. By that I mean college. I currently go to Erie Community College (South Campus) studying Communications and Media Arts. ECC has a reputation of being a very poor and a lot of people think it’s 13th grade of high school. Guys, it isn’t. Well at least the South Campus isn’t. I take college level courses, college level math, college level english etc. Anyways, I find it very depressing when people that you really care about go off to College in another state and you are stuck at home with no ambition whatsoever. It is sad that they truly do not know how you feel. It is depressing because they are leaving to start a new life and you are at home still being locked in a empty grey and soggy room. Thats how I feel right now as I’m typing this. College is an exiting part of your life. When I started high school, I wanted to get out and start college right away! But now I really don’t care about the people from high school (except my good friends). College is supposed to be a little nervewracking and scary. I do admit that going away to college will probably make a better life for yourself, and your family someday. The education you get for the next 4-6 years will put you steps ahead in the game. Right now it is hard for anybody to find a job, and people want to hire people that have gone to college. That’s the cold hard truth, but I can see why. I want pursue so much in life but I have no ambition at all to do it. Right now, I’m losing interest in everything that I ever had passion for. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. I had dreams and visions of how I want my life to be like in the next few decades. But it will never happen unless I share it with somebody. Thats the truth that a lot of girls don’t understand about guys. Yes there are a lot of jerks and abusive assholes out there. But they need open there eyes and see the good guys in their lives. Guys that will treat them the way they want to be treated. Girls are attracted to nurturers and providers. A man with decent prospects is likely to be able to provide for a family in the future. I feel if the girl gave me her love, I can become something totally greater than I am now. I can become the successful person I was born to be. I know I would because I have purpose, meaning, and ambition. All because of her.
Maybe I should just leave everything behind and continue on that lonely road until I find something meaningful in my life. I hope you know the pain I’ve known. I hope you understand and realize that you were everything to me, wondering when you will finally understand how much you mean to me. Time is defeating us. It is slowly separating us. All I want is to do is talk and understand where we stand right now. But I guess the clock has struck.
-Jordan A. Warner
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